The Body
by goddess-orchid
Summary: Ever since Kaidan Alenko saw Commander Shepard run toward the beam he'd been holding his breath. He held it together for the crew, but every moment it got harder. EDI was gone. The Geth were gone. Shepard was MIA and presumed...Kaidan needed to bring back a body for her family's sake and his. He didn't want that lingering hope to keep him awake anymore, but it had it's appeal.
1. Chapter 1

**The Body: Part One**

It had taken days for them to reach the Citadel remains and six more for them to pick up the barely distinguishable life sign beneath mountains of broken stone and synthetic wire that distorted any clear readings and made the scanners flicker in and out of usefulness. Each of those seconds Kaidan Alenko had spent holding his breath. They didn't know what happened. Suddenly Shepard went dark and a red light swept over the galaxy like a curtain was being pulled. Was it the end or just the end of the Reapers? Turned out it didn't matter much. The death toll was insurmountable just from the Catalyst alone, but such basic phrases didn't capture how Joker cradled EDI's body or how Wrex went silent upon hearing that for all anyone knew he'd never see his children or Eve again. It didn't do justice to the soldiers slowly fading away from necrosis or unable to stop the nightmares. No, nothing captured that. Words failed amongst the dead and rubble. Words failed in the quiet of the Normandy. The long nights reminding himself that he'd never get to show Shepard just how good life could be couldn't be put in words. Yet he hoped…and he would keep hoping until he brought her body home and told her aunt and uncle that she served with valor….that she was loved more than anyone could be loved. That children ran up to her and said "I want to be like you". He wouldn't give up until he saw that body. Still the faintest hope clung in his mind that made she was hidden away, escaped on some shuttle on a world that lost contact or a moon. Hope was a silly conviction, but necessary.

When Traynor with trembling fingers started to cry and managed "I think we found her". The ship went silent. The ship became somewhere else and he knew that he had to be certain.

They had been searching for several hours on the main junction on top of the remains of the Citadel where the energy burst had supposedly come from according to analysis. Kaidan glanced up to the empty blackness speckled with light stars and a smile came to his lips. Tiredness clung to every muscle and his wounds ached still. Guess it was stupid to think it was more than a glitch. But he looked down and kept scanning, trying to parse out radiation and the synthetic materials from organic matter and the organic matter into live and non-living matter. It shouldn't have been taking so long but their omni-tools hadn't been working right since the wave and the Citadel itself seemed to be disrupting their tracers.

"Over here!" Vega sounded like he'd seen a ghost, and a rare prayer left Kaidan's lips. He didn't want it to be her. He hoped that she hadn't been buried in the hell hole of the Citadel ruins while he and the crew rested on their laurels, trying to get back to Earth. He hoped that he could keep hoping and live in the painful uncertainty than the unending pain of certainty. The air wreaked of burning rotten flesh, and fires lay in every direction; Hell given form. As he sprinted across the broken mess of the Citadel he tried to block out the sight of her smile, as she turned and ran towards the beam. That last beautiful smile filled with the sadness of a thousand moments that would never be lived. The last goodbye…the last time those eyes apologized because she hated knowing he'd hurt without her.

Had she really been there alive all that time? Please God…please. He wanted to see her again, but what would he find? With whatever Cerberus did who knows what thin tether kept her life bound. Please God. He wanted to smell the scent of her lavender shampoo from more than her pillow. He wanted to take her dancing like in those cheesey old movies she adored. He wanted to fight with her over assignments and paper work. Out of all the things he wanted he didn't want her to suffer. Kaidan Alenko had loved a few and somehow she was woven in his mind and blood and bones. Let her be ok or let her be… Pain had been something they shared.

Kaidan Alenko an outsider since he was born. Doctors' visits every other week then thrice a month. The military brat. Too arrogant to talk to everyone else. Biotic freak. Sir, if you don't mind me asking, how can you be an L2 and not be, you know, insane? Promoting him to Major? Really is that a good idea? Kaidan…you make me feel whole. I tried…Kaidan she got me in and then the next blast and then she j-just bounced like a…like a rag doll.

Pain.

Biotic Freak. Always alone. I watched the lights go out in her eyes. My sister screamed. Run. Don't you touch her. Daddy a pile of mushy flesh and then. Don't make me talk about this Kaid. I just. Biotic freak. You a telepath chica? What are you? Special? I bet your father pissed himself before the Batarians took him out. He said things he shouldn't have and tried to put his hands on her. Charges dismissed. Unstable and unreliable. Red sand can make it feel like it's buzzing. What's buzzing? Everything. Biotics in overload. Memories make my mind burst. Your entire squad is dead because you wouldn't pull back. Mission first. We can't give those slaving bastards an inch. Promotion? Fuck yeah I'll take it. Commander, I'm sorry but there is nothing I can do to convince the Council. This story is insane are all you humans so gullible. Cold. Can't breathe. But Cerberus Shepard? Kaidan please.

Pain.

The artificial atmosphere maintained itself more or less, but his lungs burned from the smoke and debris in the air. "Hurry!" The urgency in Vega's voice held a the slight tremble of panic. He was a soldier good at his job and good at more or less staying focused. In short he didn't get like that over nothing.

Major Alenko never knew what he expected at that moment, but the gasp that rattled through him never left his dreams. Vega kept running his hand up and through his hair, as he called coordinates to the Normandy. Garrus knelt down doing a scan of the body in the pit before them. That mess of meat was unrecognizable except for those brown eyes. He didn't want to see her that way. He didn't want to see that contorted flesh with limbs distorted, one arm and leg burned and battered beyond repair. Her chest rose and fall, as those eyes blinked at the onslaught of light. Shepard lay, splayed beneath the rubble her armor soddered to her flesh, her face a mesh of cuts and scraps only separated by dirty swollen tissue. Exposed bones in spots not hidden by armor…hair burned and shorn to nothing. Armor black….

"Shepard…"

Her eyes went towards his voice, and he could see the recognition in her eyes. At that moment Chakwas and her team ran past him. Before he said anything they went to work, and to the untrained eye the sight would have seemed to not have phase them. But Kaidan knew Karin…and he saw her start back before kneeling down and issuing orders to her men.

"K-kai" His name caught in her throat with a dry bloodied cough. The commander's voice sounded so small and thin. Her hacking held the rattle of broken ribs and her whole body twitched and winced in raw pain.

"Don't speak, Commander," Karin ordered.

Kaidan moved a bit closer, too self conscious to risk obstructing the med team in their duties.

"I'm here, Winter. It'll be ok…"

"I…c-can't see." Kaidan felt his insides go cold. The fear in her voice made everyone go silent, and Chakwas exchanged looks with Lt. Yearly. Fear was not something that went with Commander Shepard. Never that. Not to anyone. He knew her fear but not fear like the one in her voice. It was childish, frightened and infinitely tiny. Not Commander Shepard. Not his Shepard. Another cough took Shepard and Kaidan realized her eyes were glazed over and seemed almost grey. They focused on nothing in particular and seemed to jump from person to person and voice to voice. If she could see it wasn't by much.

Shepard remained silent after this, her eyes darting about in a daze as she was stabilized and moved to a stretcher. Her mouth shot open and her eyes turned wide at the movement. Two of the nurses were startled by the sudden jolt of her body, and even Kaidan flinched. Out of Shepard's mouth came not a scream but a dry rasping noise unlike any he'd ever heard. The very air sounded like it'd been stolen from her lungs. Her expression held the purest pain and tears streamed from her cheeks like a fountain. Not Commander Shepard. Not is Shepard. How he wanted to hold her and make it right again.

Kaidan wanted to bring back a body. He didn't want it to be like this.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Body: Part Two**

Shepard's body stank of rotting meat, Kaidan could follow her scent all the way to the med-bay and it made his skin crawl. He stood at the window watching as the med team tried to get access to any part of her body not fused to cold metal and plastic. All he could do was stand there and try not to keep replaying her the sight of her broken form crumpled amidst fire and rubble, but the sight of her was burned in his brain. A sudden wave of nausea took hold, he walked to the men's room and vomited out whatever rations he had speedily consumed before the search for Shepard began. His insides felt cold, as though the cool metal of the ships walls entered his flesh. Was this really it? Was this real? The crew couldn't see him that way. No. He went to the sink and splashed cold water onto his face before drawing a slow steady breath. He exhaled and minutes later returned to his silent vigil over the med bay.

There was no denying that Chakwas' team had their work cut out for them. It was hard enough keeping her alive for the short journey back to Earth. Her heart had stopped twice since she'd been on board. How she stayed alive he could never guess. It defied nature, and thousands of years of medical science. Shepard had gone without food, without water, and had been in a major battle beforehand. As a biotic she should have been dead. As a normal person she should have been dead. But Shepard had never really been normal. _"__Too Stubborn to die, Kaidan_." After an eternity Chakwas motioned towards him from the other side of the glass, and he walked towards the doors unable to shake the deep foreboding that had crept under his skin. Chakwas came out, her clothes were stained with dried blood, but her hands were immaculately clean as she wrung them together. Her expression was relaxed, but he had known her too long to be fooled that easily. Her eyes betrayed her, conveying a deep worry that he couldn't say he didn't expect. Shepard looked bad. Worse than he'd ever seen and it was eating him up inside.

"She's stable for now. Lord knows how long that will last." Chakwas waited for him to speak, but Kaidan couldn't find anything to say. His mind was empty except for vague awareness of the chill inside him. He managed a slow nod as a silence began to creep between them. "Her leg and arm will have to go."

"What?"

"They're crushed beyond repair. The amount of nerve damage alone…it'd be easier to start over from square one. Get her an organic prosthetic and begin nerve stimulation treatments."

"With Shepard's biotics-"

"The asari have ways of adapting organic prosthetics for eezo nodes. It might be a good thing. While we had adapted shields and armor she was exposed full on to the eezo in the Citadel's atmosphere...her eezo radiation levels are..." Chakwas let out a low sigh, glancing away before looking at him again as though she were trying to regain her composure. It must have worked. "Shepard seems to be fading in and out. The pain meds have taken the edge off, but she's barely there and when she is the pain is...bad."

Simple words were never good coming from doctors. Years of his childhood spent getting poked and prodded, and watching other kids like him getting poked and prodded had taught him that lesson well. Kaidan winced then rubbed his chin, trying to organize everything floating in his mind. "Shepard in rehab won't be fun." It sounded so...dumb even though he knew it was true without a doubt. He could see her cursing him, cursing her therapists and then throwing a cane clear across the room. Chakwas began to laugh, her eyes lit up as though that little bit of near normalcy reminded her that Shepard might just be ok.

"It's good you're being positive. The crew needs that as much as you. Plus she'll need that if she makes it through." Chakwas glanced over her shoulder through the open door to where Shepard was hidden from view behind a light blue curtain as skilled hands worked on her wounds. Kaidan tried to fight the frown on his face, and glanced away from the sight of it to the corner. Positive was a bit of an overstatement. Even though he hoped to go through that undoubtedly fight filled process of getting Shepard back to using her body and biotics the chances of it were small. Kaidan liked hope. He _needed_ hope, but that body in there half battered to hell couldn't be saved by hopes and promises of a worthwhile life with him or otherwise. Kaidan Alenko dealt in hard realities, even if it was done with optimism. That's what got him where he was today. Yeah, he was a romantic, but he never let the truth be obscured by his own self-deceptions. At least he tried not to. Liara said that made him judgmental, but at least it didn't make him a fool.

"Kaidan…would you like to talk to her?" Her smile was that of a doting mother trying to urge her son to do something she knows he should. She always had given him that feeling, when she got drunk it was more so like a favorite aunt than a mother figure, but still. She'd always been there for him ever since they met. Maybe she was right and he should talk to her, but the thought made him feel like he had lead feet. On one hand he couldn't think of anything that hadn't been said and on the other so much had gone unsaid.. "I know you said your good-byes before, but we're almost to Earth and who knows how long it'll be before she's cleared to be seen. If there's other things you want to tell her you should. She's asleep...but she can hear you."

"I-I dunno-"

"It'd probably do her good."

Kaidan gave a nod, walking through the door as his mouth went bone dry. He and Shepard were an open secret, so it was to his relief that the crew tending her wounds just gave sympathetic nods and walked past him or went to their stations observing Shepard's vitals. It made it easier, but not by much. Each step felt heavier than the last, his chest clinched tighter as though something had gripped his heart. He almost couldn't breathe as all the moments they had together began to replay in his mind. _Never enough of this. Never enough time. Never enough you, Shepard_.

Somehow he made it to her bedside, to a body beneath scanners and machines producing stasis fields to keep her still and stable. Her body was cut, burned, and bashed to high hell and back. It seemed like something that should have sunk in between the time that they found her and that moment, but it hadn't. Every time he saw her he knew what to expect, but somehow it didn't help. He had seen every ounce of drive leave her eyes and the burden of a thousand lives take its place. He had seen her nearly torn apart by Saren and overrun by a swarm of Collector scum. This wasn't just some petty injury, or something he could tell himself he overreacted to. Shepard was sprawled out and barely holding on. And even though he was at her side he couldn't do a damn thing for her. Kaidan Alenko Alliance Major, Second Spectre, Biotic Success Story...couldn't do a single thing for the woman he loved.

"...Shepard..." He felt exposed, surrounded by his crew, as he wore his heart on his sleeve. They'd forgive that maybe. Maybe not, but for that moment he wasn't Major Alenko...he was just a man watching the woman he loved and who loved him. Few words could capture his feelings, but he was going to try. "I know...I know you're tired. You must be in pain I can't even imagine, but I need you to keep fighting. I need you to keep pushing back."

_I got your back Shepard. Kaidan stay with me...just for another minute. You have beautiful eyes Major...I want to get lost just for a second. You...are what I fight for. You give me meaning. You'd be fine without me. I'd live...but I wouldn't be alive. Commander and the Lieutenant? Seriously! Wow, they'd better be careful. She seems happy though. Alenko is a hell of a guy. She's a Lucky woman. She pushed me into the shuttle. Kaidan I...I...shit. She saved my life. Spaced. After all that? Kaidan, you gotta start living it's what she would have wanted. Yeah, yeah, I know. Therapy is the same old crap. Is he stable? Yes, normal. No L2 instability just grief. For Shepard? That's confidential, m'am. They put the memorial on Mindoir today, why didn't you come? The pain in his chest makes it hard to breathe. Work. Yeah. That's good. It's simple. Kaidan, you gotta start dating again. I mean I get you had a thing for your commander she was a hot number. Son of a bitch! Fighting in a bar? She wasn't just a fling and it wasn't just the stress, I loved her. I'm not disappointed but I expect more from you. Sorry, dad, I don't know what came over me. Tell me about this doctor they want you to date? I had that dream again, doc. I'm reaching for her and the Collector beam just. Around the corner beside a krogan and...Garrus? How? She's Shepard., but how? Why? I dunno...just take care. Kaidan, I've missed you. Major Alenko, I understand the stress of war, but don't let it cloud your judgment. Sir? It's ok. We have bigger fish to fry than breaking regs, but this can't impact the. Never, sir. Shepard and I know the risks, and are committed to this war and to our comrades. "Mission first". We know the score. We know this is-_

Kaidan drew in a slow breath, trying to quiet the swarm of thoughts threatening to drown him.

"We aren't done yet. I'm not saying it'll be easy, but I'll be with you every step of the way. So, come back to us, to me." Everything in his being told him to touch her and let her know he's there in some small way. Yet Kaidan knew better than to risk her to more exposure or accidently jostling her, so he restrained himself. Perfect control, that's what she called it, he didn't break down. He couldn't risk it, not in front of the crew. "We uh...have a hell of victory party waiting."

Kaidan leaned down, making sure to keep just enough of a distance to not disrupt the stasis field. Her chest rose and fell like the dozens of times she had laid beside him. Sometimes the last thing he saw was that gentle rise and fall. To see her breathe was to know she was alive. Despite how her condition pulled at his insides the sight of her breathing ignited some hope however small that she could recover, but the doubt dimmed that flame to a flicker. "And we'll have one of our own, just the two of us. Just please, sweetheart. Don't leave me behind again." With those whispered words he pulled away, and though the worry inside him did not cease he felt himself begin to relax.

"ETA in five Major." Joker's voice filled his ears. "The medical team for the Hostpital is in standby."

"Thanks, Joker."

"Aye, sir."

If Shepard lived Kaidan knew the next few years would be a long road. It'd take years of rehab and probably surgeries he'd never even heard of to get her up and going. It didn't matter what it took he'd be with her every step of the way, Alliance be damned.

Her body may have been broken, but the woman he loved had a spirit that was hard to break. With any luck she heard his voice and knew what she had to do. Part of him had hoped she'd jump up and start screaming about him embarrassing her in front of the crew. Raunchy she could do, but real love talk made her blush. That was something he loved about her._ She'll be ok with time._ He repeated that a thousand times as the Normandy docked. He had left the med-bay to get out of the way and headed to the CIC, not quite feeling comfortable at Shepard's place. It wasn't because of the power or feeling like he was going to replace her. No one in the galaxy could do that. But it did feel like her ghost was there and she wasn't even dead yet. _She'll be fine_.

When the elevator opened there was a flurry of people and noise, as the med team made their way out of the Normandy toward the waiting doctors and nurses. Kaidan trailed behind, doing his best to keep himself calm as the two medical teams greeted each other. The Normandy had landed near the hospital in a burned out section of old medical offices buildings that had been leveled by the initial reaper invasion. The hospital itself had virtually gone dark, a smart move undertaken by its president to try and stave off direct assaults. It was one of a handful of half functioning hospitals near London and one of the few functioning hospitals left on Earth at all. The building loomed over them it's once pristine grey walls covered in a thick black residue from the fires. It was hard not to feel like he was leaving her there to be vulnerable. Whether to reporters or vicious enemies he couldn't say, but Hackett was at the door with a look of concern that seemed more a shock to himself than to any one else by the way he had to shake his head after catching a glimpse of Shepard.

_Pulse? My God. She's stable now, but she. Twice? Yes? Severely dehydrated and malnourished. What's her implant model? Didn't know she was a biotic. Savior of the Citadel. Stay focused and move people. I hate doctors Kaidan. I love the good ones like Karin, but you remember what it was like growing up. Her spine is concerning me we need to get a properly detailed scan of that and. The armor is going to be our major barrier. We were able to remove some of it, but a majority is so thoroughly grafted it requires tools we just didn't have. Take a look. It's damn near fused completely. She has a nano-based immuno-support system, so we should call in a few specialists. How in the hell did she get that? On a need to know basis, I'm afraid_. _They poke and prod, and I really hate needles. Isn't that silly, Kaidan?_

Shepard would be put together by a well trained team of doctors. He couldn't be too certain of it considering how many people had been killed in the war, but he chose to believe the Alliance manned this hospital well when they assisted in reestablishing it. Either way Shepard needed any and all help she could get. It was hard not to feel helpless as he walked behind them, trying not to betray his feelings and keep his eyes steady. When he gave the all clear the rest of the crew would follow, but he was in charge both as their commanding officer and as her lover. But as the med-team vanished into the hospital leaving him outside to salute Admiral Hackett he didn't much feel like he was capable of leading anybody. Hackett and Kaidan followed the med-team into the building. It was an old hospital made up of winding narrow corridors and sharp turns, but if they got lost all they had to do was follow the smell.

"Shepard is one hell of a survivor," Hackett said. "Mindoir, Torfan, being spaced-"

"Nothing ever seems to stop her does it?

"No, not for too long anyway. She's too stubborn to die."

"I hope so, sir."

Hackett stopped their little jog down the hallways following the stench of rotten flesh and omni-gel. The man's eyes narrowed in on Kaidan and he put one of his strong hands on Kaidan's shoulder. It was strangely intimate. Kaidan had never spent too much time around Hackett, at least not as more than a disembodied voice or over hologram on the Normandy. The older man's eyes were stern, but in the same way his own father's eyes had been, as though age and experience had been woven into his very being.

"Don't look like you just brought back a body, major. She's here and alive. She's also severely injured, but she's Commander the-mission-always-comes-first Shepard. And you be damned sure she's going to live."

"Why?" He didn't mean to say it so quickly, to question his superior, but Kaidan felt so tired by it all. How could Hackett be so certain?

"I have known that woman since she was a kid trying to get into the Alliance. That girl was a mean one. As playful as she was cruel. Serious when it counted and loyal. But it wasn't until she got involved with you that she began to seem...happy." Hackett looked squarely at Kaidan and Kaidan alone, but something told him that Hackett felt somewhat awkward being so candid with him. "Anderson heard rumors about it. He told me how she came to his office after two years of being dead and the first thing she asked was about you. She will live because she wants to and because I don't doubt she'd rather be with you than dead. Otherwise she would be. So that's her mission right now and-"

"The mission comes first." Kaidan said the words, glancing down the hall as the team turned a corner and left their view.

"It'll take some long months and even longer years, but I trust she'll make it through alright in the end."

They turned and began to walk down the hall, as a sense of certainty began to settle in his bones. It was as though all that unshakable faith in Shepard, in her ability to say "screw you" to the universe had dug in deep. She wouldn't just give up, not when they had so much life to live. For a brief moment Kaidan began to feel like soon he'd be able to stop holding his breath, waiting for his world to fall apart again. Hopefully that time would come sooner rather than later, but for that moment he just followed along. His place was at Shepard's side, he always had her back and she needed it now more than ever. For once he wished that wasn't the case.


End file.
